Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official ®. With regular maintenance your Government Official ® should provide you with
a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This
information will not be sold to any other party or faction, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.
Which of our fine products did you buy?
* President * Vice-President * Senator * Congressman
* Governor * Cabinet Secretary-Commerce * Cabinet Secretary-Other
* Other Elected Official (please specify)
* Other Appointed Official (please specify)
How did you hear about your Government Official ®? (Please check all
that apply)
* TV ad * Magazine/newspaper ad * Shared jail cell with
* Former partner of * Unindicted co-conspirator with
* Procured for * Related to * Recommended by lobbyist
* Recommended by organized crime figure
* Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (on Internet)
* Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (elsewhere)
* Spoke at fundraiser at my church * Solicited bribe from me
* Attempted to seduce me
How do you expect to use your Government Official ®? (Please check all
that apply)
* Obtain lucrative government contracts * Have my
prejudices turned into law * Obtain diplomatic concessions
* Obtain trade concessions * Have embargo lifted from own nation/
ally * Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival nation/religious infidels
* Obtain patronage job for self/spouse/mistress * Forestall military
action against self/allies * Instigate military action against internal
enemies/aggressors/targets for future conquest * Impede criminal/civil
investigation of self/associates/spouse * Obtain pardon for self/
associates/spouse * Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies/
rivals/hated ethnic groups * Inflict punitive regulation on business
competitors/environmental exploiters/royalist pigs
What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply)
* Performance of currently owned model * Reputation * Price
* Appearance * Party affiliation * Professed beliefs of
Government Official ® * Actual beliefs of Government Official ®
* Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign government * Blackmail
* Celebrity endorsement
Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government
Official ®?
Yes No Maybe
If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.
* Excessive operating/maintenance costs. * Needs have grown beyond
capacity of current model. * Defect in current model: * Dead
* Senile * Indicted * Convicted * Resigned in disgrace
* Switched parties/beliefs * Outbribed by competing interest
Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a Government Official ®
you have chosen the best politician that money can buy.
Do you have a Government Official ® or two in your Kingdom?