Make your own free website on Tripod.com

Tired of getting sand kicked in your face by a guy who only wears a white belt because he's so damn big and high on testosterone that he can brute force and rhino thru any real technique and style used by his opponents? Tired of being a silly dweeb Laurel or an overweight Pelican? Well, Seeker, do we have an offer for you!

Learn The Secrets Of LLAP-GOCH!

I'll make you a MASTER of LLAP GOCH,... the Secret Welsh ART of SELF DEFENSE that requires NO INTELLIGENCE, STRENGTH or PHYSICAL courage. The FANTASTIC SECRETS of the SECRET world-famous method of SELF DEFENSE, kept secret for centuries because of their DEADLY POWER to MAIM, KILL, SMASH, BATTER, FRACTURE, CRUSH, DISMEMBER, CRACK, DISEMBOWEL, CRIPPLE, SNAP and HARM are now revealed to YOU in the English Language by a LLAP GOCH master AT HIS OWN RISK, PROVIDED you promise to MAIM, CRUSH, DISEMBOWEL and so on ONLY IN SELF DEFENSE. (This is just to cover ourselves, as you will understand.)

WHY "At his own risk?"

BECAUSE if his fellow masters of LLAP GOCH DISCOVER his IDENTITY, they will PUNISH HIM SEVERELY for revealing the DEADLY secrets he had promised to keep SECRET, without giving them a piece of the ACTION, and also BECAUSE of the TERRIBLE risk of PUNISHMENT he runs under the Trades Description Act.

WHAT is LLAP-GOCH?

IT is THE most DEADLY form of SECRET self-DEFENSE that HAS ever been widely advertised and available to EVERYONE.

WHY ALL the CAPITALS?

Because THE most likely kind OF person TO answer THIS sort OF advertisement HAS less trouble under-STANDING words if they ARE written in BIG letters.

WHAT is LLAP-GOCH again?

It is the ANCIENT Welsh ART based on a BRILLIANTLY simple I-D-E-A, which is a SECRET. The best form of DEFENSE is ATTACK (just ask the Pentagon!) and the most VITAL element of ATTACK is SURPRISE. Therefore, the BEST way to protect yourself AGAINST any ASSAILANT is to ATTACK him before he attacks YOU... Or BETTER... BEFORE the THOUGHT of doing so has EVEN OCCURRED TO HIM!!! SO YOU MAY BE ABLE TO RENDER YOUR ASSAILANT UNCONSCIOUS BEFORE he is EVEN aware of your very existence!

No longer need you feel WEAK, helpless, INDECISIVE, NOT fascinating and ASHAMED of your genital dimensions. No more need you be out-maneuvered in political debate! GOODBYE HUMILIATION, wisecracking bullies, Karate experts, boxing champions, sarcastic traffic cops; entire Panzer divisions will melt to pulp as you master every situation without INADEQUACY. PROTECT YOUR LOVED ONES. You will no longer look pitiful and wimpy to your GIRL FRIENDS when you leave some unsuspecting passerby looking like so much cat food! They will admire your MASTERY and DECISIVENESS and LACK OF INADEQUACY and will almost certainly let you put your HAND inside their BLOUSE out of sheer ADMIRATION. And after seeing more of your expert disabling they'll almost definitely go to bed with you, although obviously we can't ABSOLUTELY guarantee this, still it's extremely likely and would make learning LLAP GOCH really worthwhile although legally we can't PROMISE anything.

HOW do I learn?

You receive ABSOLUTELY FREE your own special personal LLAP GOCH Picture Book with hundreds of PHOTOGRAPHS and just a very few plain, clear and simple, easy to understand words. Only a FOUR-SECOND WORKOUT Each Day! And you will be ready to HARM people!

  • DEVELOP UP TO 38" BICEPS
  • GROW UP TO 12" TALLER
  • LOSE UP TO 40 POUNDS OF FAT IN YOUR FIRST WORK-OUT!
  • GO TO BED WITH UP TO ANY LUDICROUS NUMBER OF GIRLS YOU CARE TO THINK OF PROVIDING YOU REALIZE THIS STATEMENT IS QUITE MEANINGLESS AS THE PHRASE "UP TO" CLEARLY INCLUDES THE NUMBER "ZERO."

    WHAT Does it Cost?

  • This, like LLAP GOCH, is a SECRET but you will find out sooner or later, don't worry. MAIL DARING HAIR-RAISING MONEY-SAVING HALF-PRICE NO-RISK FREE-TRIAL COUPON NOW!

    O.K. Honourable Master, I accept your daring, hair-raising, mind-boggling, blood-curdling, no-risk, half-price, free-trial offer to reveal the secrets of LLAP GOCH in a plain brown wrapper at once. Yes, Master, I never again want to be 'Weak In The Knees' and 'Chicken Out' and 'Wet My Pants' when insulted and attacked. I agree never to abuse the principles of LLAP GOCH or consult a lawyer. I am over 4. I have an extra Y chromosome. Bill me later. I understand that if I am not completely satisfied then I have been had.

    Name:

    Address:

    City: State: Age: Real Age:

    ZIP: Phone: Shoe Size:

    E-Mail Address: Age of First-born Child:

    Payment Type: Barter Yaks MongolCard
                              MasterBard CthulhuCard

    Credit Card Number: Exp. Date:

    Please also enroll me under your special Car Insurance Scheme. I understand that I do not have to sign anything to make this completely binding to me.

    I also promise that rather than wearing out-of-period garb at Pennsic I will be perfectly in period and go naked.

    I also affirm that I am in no way connected with any small furry rodents, but I simply adore penguins.



    Go back to the Horde page!