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Mongols Just Wanna Have Fun



ANNOYING SONGS
OF THE DARK HORDE







MENTION MY NAME IN......... -Ioseph of Locksley copyright 1990 W. J. Bethancourt III (Tune: "Mention My Name In Sheboygan")
Mention my name in West Kingdom It's the greatest little Kingdom in the world I know a girl there you'll simply adore! She was Miss Crown-Craver back in AS 4! (So) Mention my name in West Kingdom And if you ever get in a mess Mention my name, (I said) Mention my name, But don't you mention my adress!
Mention my name to the Dark Horde They're the greatest bunch of Mongols in the world I know the big shots inside the yurt walls We sing "Tomorrow" in their revel halls! (So) Mention my name to the Dark Horde Ardjukk and Cherie and Tagan, Mention my name, (I said) Mention my name, But don't you tell 'em where I am!
Mention my name at the Snake Pit They're the greatest little bunch in the world I told the KaKhan he'd really go far! I even gave the Noyan an exploding cigar! (So) Mention my name at the Snake Pit Yang and Bork and all of the rest, Mention my name, (I said) Mention my name, But don't you mention my adress!
THE MONGOL/BURGHER DUET -Einar Lutemaker (tune: "Temperance Union")
Citizen: They're coming, they're coming, the dread Mongol Horde From Asia to Europe, they've put to the sword Our warriors, our children, the friends we hold dear And then they just smile when we greet them with fear!
CHORUS 1: Oh dear, oh dear, it's Ghengis Khan It's Ghengis Khan, it's Ghengis Khan Oh dear, oh dear, it's Ghengis Khan The foe of all civilized ways!
Mongol: You do not bug Mongols, for Mongols bug back! And no one can live thru a Mongol attack! Oh can you imagine a grislier death, Than telling a Mongol that he's got bad breath?
CHORUS 2: Hooray, hooray for Ghengis Khan! For Ghengis Khan, for Ghengis Khan! Hooray, hooray for Ghengis Khan, The foe of all civilized ways!
Citizen: Oh, Mongols will pillage, they'll rape and they'll burn Their habits are such as to make stomachs turn The bastards keep coming, the world's over run They're the worst that we've seen since Attila the Hun!
CHORUS 1
Mongol: We Mongols are really a marvelous folk We laugh and we sing and we wench and we joke What matter if chag'ua must die for the jest? All peoples have humor at which they're the best!
CHORUS 2
Both: The Mongols are moving to ravage the west For plunder and pillage are what they know best Except raising yaks, but them, yaks have one fault... The Khan can't store yaks safe in his treasure vault!
CHORUS 3: The tribes of the Mongols are getting bored Are getting bored, are getting bored, And soon will be riding with spear and sword To conquer all civilized lands!
THE MONGOLS ARE A FUNNY RACE -Ioseph of Locksley (c) copyright 1990 W.J.Bethancourt III (Tune: "Madamoiselle From Armetieres")
The Mongols are a funny race: The Mongols are a funny race, So are you! It is true! They hold the Kingdom in distaste, They always will be in your face! It is true! It is true! Their dispositions are rather mean; Try to run them out of town; Their verses tend to be unclean! They'll burn yer goddam castle down! Tomorrow belongs to me, not you! Tomorrow belongs to me, not you!
They make their chiefest pleasure still Their ladies tend to carry knives! So they do, So they do! To do the KaKhan's evil will Daughters, girlfriends, even wives! All over you! So they do! And when they're given no indication Leave 'em alone, you silly fool, They use their own imagination! Or they will take your family jewels! Tomorrow belongs to me, not you! Tomorrow belongs to me, not you!
When the Mongols they did see The Mongols in your Barony First time thru, Enjoy the view! The Middle Kingdom climbed a tree! There's more of them than you can see! It is true! It is true! Two sword-brothers and KaKhan Yang, They're not looking to burn your town, They thought it was a biker gang! All they want is "lebensraum!" Tomorrow belongs to me, not you! Tomorrow belongs to me, not you!
Now Yang's no longer with the Horde The Spider Clan is in your town Sad, but true! It is true! But Middle Kingdom's never bored There's ninjas lurking all around! It is true! Listening to you! With Tuchux, Mongols and Moritu Every time you make a plan The Kingdoms don't know what to do! The Dark Horde has it "in the can!" Tomorrow belongs to me, not you! Tomorrow belongs to me, not you!
The Horde has met in Kurultai The Warlord doesn't say too much; They spoke of you! (thought you knew!) They've raised a mighty battle cry! Just sits and drinks a lot of his HO! WATSU! Tullimore Dew! They're marching out with cool aplomb They say that he's unscrupulous, It's rumored that they have THE BOMB! Vicious, mean and venomous! Tomorrow belongs to me, not you! Tomorrow belongs to me, not you! (2)
The Noyen is an old, old man The Gur-Khan is a crazy fool It is true! Thought you knew! He drinks his whiskey from a can He never went to Sunday School It is true! It is true! Experience and treachery When you meet him on the field Will win o'er youth and bravery! You takes your choice: you die or yield! Tomorrow belongs to me, not you! Tomorrow belongs to me, not you!
Ioseph is a Cavalier The Mongols are an awful group It is true! It is true! He never touches wine or beer They're dropping poison in the soup! It is true! Just for you! TarKhan of the White Oak boys, They burn, then rape by firelight Gunpowder weapons are their toys! Their table manners are a fright! Tomorrow belongs to me, not you! (1) Tomorrow belongs to me, not you! (2)
Their ninjas work so very well Everybody likes Ardjukk, So they do! So do you! They don't wear no damn turtle shells You won't give him a second look, It is true! It is true! They can turn up anywhere, You would be Afraid-of-His-Cats They know the brand of your underwear! If you had kitties just like THAT! Tomorrow belongs to me, not you! (2) Tomorrow belongs to me, not you!
Red Cherie's a lovely girl, Tamara doesn't say a lot It is true! To me or you! A cute and cuddly precious pearl, She is great in a Mongol Plot! It is true! So she do! You know what they say about red-heads? Don't sneak up on her because You piss her off, you wind up dead! She sure don't live in the Land of Oz Tomorrow belongs to me, not you! Tomorrow belongs to me, not you!
Unca Wu's a funny guy There's Mongols underneath your bed! It is true! It is true! He makes the ladies blink and sigh Writing down the things you said! It's TWUE! It's TWUE! It is true! He talks just like Diogenes We heard you gasp & moan & howl! And then goes swinging thru the trees! (We know all about the owl!) Tomorrow belongs to me, not you! Tomorrow belongs to me, not you!
Samak is down with PMS There's Mongols on the Royal Court! It is true! It is true! The Kingdom is in great distress! They've given us a full report! Too, too true! About you! He's looking for to take your life The Crown's uneasy on your head That's why he's called Samak the Knife! We've even wired the Royal Bed! Tomorrow belongs to me, not you! (1) Tomorrow belongs to me, not you!
Given a choice, the Horde will choose The Spider Clan, somewhere out there, This is true! Is out there too! Irish songs and Irish booze! Riding thru the desert air, So would you! So they do! A Celtic Mongol is a sight Their weapons glitter in the sun: To make you lose your sleep at night! Swords and knives...and Tommy guns! Tomorrow belongs to me, not you! Tomorrow belongs to me, not you!
There's Mongols marching day and night The Mongols have a lot of songs Right at you! Too, too true! They're spoiling for a good old fight! They will sing them all night long! It is true! About you! They're marching out with flags unfurled If they don't run out of breath Today your Kingdom, TOMORROW THE WORLD! They will sing you half to death! Tomorrow belongs to me, not you! Tomorrow belongs to me, not you!
Duncan is a canny Scot This song can go on and on It is true! It is true! No one knows what he has got And on and on and on and on Even you! So it do! He uses knives with speed and skill't And on and on and on and on His "heavy" weapon's beneath his kilt! And on and on and on and on! Tomorrow belongs to me, not you! Tomorrow belongs to me, not you!
Aleta is a fair young maid Petruccio is an Italian flirt It is true! It is true! Of her you ought to be afraid Chasing after every skirt I tell you true! So he do! Little and pretty and cute and clean If he gets you all alone And evil and vicious and bad and mean! Just holler for Ronna and throw him Tomorrow belongs to me, not you! a bone! Tomorrow belongs to me, not you!
The Mongols are a funny race It is true! The Mongols think the Horde is great They think the Kingdom's a disgrace So they do! It is true! They've learned how to communicate If you think they're speaking treason, It is true! Not -yet-, m'boy, it's out of season! They're all linguists, don't you see Tomorrow belongs to me, not you! (3) They speak "Treason"....fluently! Tomorrow belongs to me, NOT YOU!
1) Ardjukk Afraid-Of-His-Cats 2) Samak the Knife 3) Anonymous
I'M A MONGOL DOODLE DANDY! -Ioseph of Locksley (c) copyright 1990 W.J,.Bethancourt III (Tune: "Yankee Doodle Dandy")
I'm a Mongol doodle dandy, A vicious and disgusting kinda guy! A real Swordbrother to my Uncle Yang Born at the first Kurultai! I have a little Celtic sweetheart She's my Mongol pride and joy! Oh, Ghengis Khan he went to Europe Just to have a party! I am a happy Mongol boy!
I'm a Mongol doodle dandy, Riding the Gobi wild and free! Grass never grows again where my horse treads, I'm free from the Kingdom's tyranny! I loot and burn for entertainment, And laugh at the Kingdom's hoi polloi! Oh, Ghengis Khan he went to Europe Just to have a party! I am a happy Mongol boy!
"THE MONGOLS SLEEP TONIGHT" -Yehudah -Ioseph of Locksley (c) 1990 W. J. Bethancourt III (tune: "Wimoweh" aka "The Lion Sleeps Tonight")
Near the village, the peaceful village, the Mongols creep tonight. Near the village, the quiet village, the Mongols creep tonight.
CHORUS: bass: the Mongol Horde, the Mongol Horde, the Mongol Horde, etc. soprano: Yang! Yang! Yang! Yang! etc. non-singers: creative screaming as they deem appropriate
(The full effect is unable to be described in print...in any language)
In the village, the Mongols pillage, kill everything in sight. In the village, take sheep and foodage, leave nothing, not a bite.
CHORUS: as above
(It really defys description!!)
In the Kingdom, the peaceful Kingdom, the Mongols plot tonight! In the Kingdom, the quiet Kingdom, the ninjas creep tonight!
CHORUS: as above
(It's really quite awful, you know!)
This is THE Dark Horde song ..... there's an Urban Legend floating around that this is a real Nazi song. This is utter nonsense. It was written for "Cabaret," and is a song with a good tune that lent itself to a good filk.
The rumor that it is set to the tune of the Nazi song "Horst Wessel" is easily disproved by looking at the Horst Wessel Song for yourself. You can listen to the tune of the Horst Wessel here. Judge for yourself if it scans to "Tomorrow."

Those who get excited about it, and use it as an excuse to call the Horde nasty names, should go get real lives.

TOMORROW BELONGS TO ME! -Anonymous (Western Irgun version) tune: "Tomorrow Belongs To Me" (from "Cabaret")
The sands of the Gobi lie gold in the Sun the Warriors and Herdsmen ride free But somewhere a voice calls: "Move on, Move on!" Tomorrow belongs to me!
Ride westward, my children, new pastures are green Rich cities encircle the Sea 'Tis time for your Glory, so rise, and sing: Tomorrow belongs to me!
The Outlands have grown too confused to defend The West has her back to the Sea The East and the Middle are weak from War Tomorrow belongs to me!
Atenveldt weakens from internal strife Caid is her own enemy! And young Artemesia's a babe-in-arms Tomorrow belongs to me!
The kingdoms they multiply crown after crown From mountain to city to sea, But each time they grow there's just more for us! Tomorrow belongs to me!
Ride westward my children, we'll show them a sign United we'll always be free! the morning shall come when the world is MINE! Tomorrow belongs to me!
Oh, Grandfather Tengri, come, show us the sign Your children have waited to see: The morning shall come when the World is MINE! Tomorrow belongs to me!
THE UNFORTUNATE MUNDANE -Pat Fiona McFarland tune: "The Unfortunate Man"
There once was a mundane who searched far and wide for a genuine "Lady" to stand by his side At last he found one that quite fit the bill and he courted and married a girl from Three Hills
At the wedding the mundane made one big mistake 'twas not in omitting the wine or the cake the ring was well chosen, and no one was bored... but he didn't ask what she meant by the "Dark Horde!"
(Chorus): He's a very unfortunate, very unfortunate, very unfortunate man!
That night in their chambers the Lady arose and began to prepare to retire in repose the husband sat near her, admiring her charms, that gave him such pleasure to hold in his arms.
She doffed off her surcoat of white, to reveal a belt that was lit'rally dripping with steel! And the rose in his cheek quickly grew very faint when he saw they were live steel, and not wood-and-paint!
(Chorus)
She went to the mirror to take off her belt and she saw in reflection how her husband felt said she "Don't be frightened or shiver in dread.. For I'll only wear two when we get into bed!"
She took twenty more from her boots and her hair then she proceeded to doff gown so fair and her trembling husband got quite a surprise for beneath it she wore chain-mail made to her size!
(Chorus)
Now all you mundanes who would marry for life be sure you examine an SCA wife don't be like the turkey who trusted his eyes and a little bit later got quite a surprise!
(Chorus)
TULLIMORE DEW to the tune of "The Foggy, Foggy Dew" Mikhail the Armorer
When I was a bachelor I lived all alone and I worked at the Reavers trade. And the only only thing that I ever did do wrong was in courtin' a Mongol maid. I courted her in the battle lines, and round the campfires too! And the only only thing that I ever did do wrong was to share a little Tullimore Dew!
Well she was a Mongol and dressed for war and I was a Saxon Lord. And the only only thing that I ever did do wrong was to camp with the Great Dark Horde. We reveled in the dark of night, and in the daylight too, And the only only thing that I ever did do wrong was to share a little Tullimore Dew.
She said "You're a fine lad, and handsome withal, let's have a roll in the hay." And the only only thing that I ever did do wrong was to let her have her way. We made out in the dark of night, and round the campfires too. And the only only thing that I ever did do wrong was to run out of Tullimore Dew.
She said "Farewell, I'll see you around, if ever I'm out this way." And the only only thing that I ever did do wrong was to give in to dismay. But a year soon passed, with wisdom learned, I stocked up with the brew! And the only only thing that I never did do wrong was to buy lots of Tullimore Dew.
Now we live in a yurt in the Mongol camp and we love each other true. And the only only thing that I never did do wrong was to share a little Tullimore Dew. We have six stout and stalwart sons, and seven daughters too! And the only only thing that I never did do wrong was to share a little Tullimore Dew.

WE ARE THE DARK HORDE

Go back to the Horde page!
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