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FROM THE LOCKSLEY ARCHIVES:
Inactive Manuscript XXIV.a
File: DEDSHEEP.TXT



THE DEAD SHEEP SCROLLS:
A HISTORY OF CLAN MAC CHLUARAIN



INTRODUCTION:


The History of Clann MacChluarain has been long and varied. Due to the recent discovery of what is now called the "Dead Sheep Scrolls," we can now elucidate some of the vague past. The team involved in this prodigious undertaking have endeavoured to be impartial in the translation, but the Chronicler's personal slant has been preserved as much as possible to render the text as close to the original language as possible.

The sometimes baffling anomalies of syntax have been left in their original state to retain the flavour of the text.

The Team plans further investigation by Computer Augmentation to reveal more of the History of Clann MacChluarain.


In A.S. XII of the Common Era, the original ms. of fragments was found in Atenveldt by a shepherd boy's dog, gripped in the hooves of a mummified humanoid. Due to the passage of time, gnawing of rodents (many of whose carcasses were found near the site...some with painful expressions) and the unfortunate worrying of the corpse by the dog (who soon died, horribly) much of the following Chronicle has been lost.

Careful archaeological restoration has made many of these fragments readable. The original ms., written in Vulgate Latin, was fumigated and is now deposited in the Locksley Archives (Inac.ms.XXIV.a), for further study by reputable scholars.

The Chronicler makes some far-fetched, though plausible, statements about the early pre-history of the Clann. It is hoped that further archaeological investigation in the vicinity of Ben Pflbt will reveal some further substantiation of its' statements. Further exploration in the Holy Land may bring to light some other facts about the lives of the antecedents of the earliest mentioned Clansmen, Clanswomen, and Clansthings.


The manuscript opens thusly:

"I, Igor the Scrofulous, third son of the tenth and last Great MacChluarain, write this in the hope that future generations of MacChluarains will mend their ways. In the Year of Our Lord 1515 a great earthquake toppled our family seat into the Western Sea, killing all but a few of our Clan, and scattering them to the winds. The Almighty has chosen to punish us for our sins.......my expulsion from the Monastery for this henious crime was. of course, imperative.......the degeneration of our Family has done much to besmirch our name.......many survivours of the Calamity have been struck dumb, or nearly so, wandering the countryside. clapping their hooves, bleating or mooing.......wrapped in duct tape, she was married to Shameus MacChluarain......"

The ms. then proceeds to a History of the Clann:

"....and the Clann prospered in Sodom. The original descent of our Clann is from Lot's younger daughter, who, on seeing her mother turned to a pillar of salt, turned and licked it.....

....Ratface and Git BaasChluarain were refused entry into the Ark on grounds of filth. They stole a rowboat, and weathered the Flood with their two sheep ("breeding stock" they said) coming to ground on the slopes of Ben Pfblth, Outerness, Scotland, hence the Clan war-cry of "Pfblth!" (Also the name of the hereditary Clann pipers; MacPfblth.)

(trans. note: The use of "Mac" or "Mack" was introduced ca. 860 CE by the Clann to cover up the pun of the Hebrew "Baas" viz. their sexual proclivities. See MacAlpine.)

......in the 500th year before Our Lord, the Gael migrated West, finding Clann BaasChlurain in Northwest Scotland...some members of the Clann were taken into the herds of the Gael.....

......after much debate, the Chieftains decided not to obliterate Clann MacChluarain, but began cultivating them for the Roman Circus......

(nb: fford, Chief of the Caledonii, suggested this at an annual meeting of Chiefs at Scone. An inscription in Ogham on the Coronation Stone reads: "fford had a better idea.")

......Scotland, now outdoing the Christians in providing victims for the Circus and bedfellows for Caligula, breaks the Roman Bank.....Hadrian built the Wall to keep MacChluarains out of the civilized portion of England.....the Emperor Claudius mistakenly presented the Empress Messalina with twenty-five MacChluarains, upon his return from Britain....

(nb: Suetonius writes of this: "...the Empress, for a time, was past pleasuring, until she wore all the members out. Upon the death of each Clansman she had each member stretched its' full quarter-span, which she had mounted upon a walking stick which she would often kiss and fondle while strolling in the garden.")

.....with the Fall of Rome, the Scottish economy collapsed. Waves of retribution erupted upon Clann MacChluarain. Ovicide ( the slaughter of sheep ) begins. Cattle were brought in, sustaining the Highlands ( trans. note: until the Sassenach re-instated sheep, possibly thru one of the Clann's untracable bastard lines, in the Eighteenth century. See Hanoverian Dynasty.)

....the Winter of 478 was harsh. the Clann sheared and bedded their Chief and family.......

In the Year of Our Lord 565, St. Columba refused to baptize any MacChluarain, and applied to Rome for the general excommunication of the Clann........

......the Fruamh settle in Northeast Scotland. These pagans revered the sheep as holy, erecting massive monuments and graven Images of precious metals and gemstones to them as Deity. The MacChluarains, covetous of this God, and its' wealth, declare Clann War....the Clann broke all it's trad--itions of warfare and attacked from the front, with men/sheep (trans. note: This passage is unclear in that it could mean men ON sheep or men AND sheep. The thought of the "man-sheep" or were-sheep of Clann oral tradition is, of course, unthinkable.) since the Fruamh would not attack their symbols. In the ensuing melee, a small group of MacChluarains plundered the Fruamh shrines. Returning, a mishap occurred, and they dropped their Loot of the Fruamh, which they still do at every opportunity......

.........Kenneth MacAlpine Ard Righ banishes Eyesteyn (the Fart) MacChluarain from Court for presenting his Lady, Bossie (the Cow) MacChluarain.......

........In the Reign of Duncan I, Kenneth MacChluarain married Cruel (trans. note: or "Gruel") daughter of Lord MhicBaas and Irving (a common ewe's name even yet today) McSwine.....(trans. note: McSwene, a Lowland family decended from Sveyne, the horse of Olaf Sigurdsson.)

........thus was the birth of Moonbeam McSwine MacChluarain, later known for her capacity, and unusually jointed lower limbs......

........His Holiness the Pope issued a Bull against the social proclivities of Clann MacChluarain. The Clann bared their backsides to Rome, in anticipation, and later sent a Note of Protest to Rome, as they had hoped for a sweet young heifer instead.....

........and Enslace McCat-le Prot MacChluarain was received by William the Lion, King of Scots, in the Year of Our Lord 1170, and sent from Court as worthy of his name.....

........Swine (Sweyn) the Short-Lived was born in the Year of Our Lord 1193...

........and in the Year of Our Lord 1192, Sweyn (Swine) the Short-Lived died.......

....thus in the Year of Grace 1230 was the Great Alliance between Clann MacChluarain and Clann MacAnical formed. The Chluarains provided grease (trans. note: source unknown) and the MacAnicals provide moonshine. As an offshoot of the Alliance came the murder of Diddle MacChluarain by a steam powered dildo.............. (trans. note: cf: murder of Edward II of England)

.......Eideard Ebheraid Ch'ortoun MacChluarain, bard of the Clann, recited the Clann History at the Court of Alexander II. He was pelted and expelled with gobbets of offal, which he ate.......

.......Colin bag Creamh-geraidh assaults the French Ambassador's favorite Poodle....(Trans. note: Colin later married her, and produced many offspring that entered many Dog Shows in both Britain and the New World.)

.......in retribution for the foul murder of William Wallace, Robert the Bruce has Halfdan-Higher-Than-The-Hills MacChluarain hanged by his tail for his English sympathies and his emulation of Edward II.....

(nb: cf. Mung McSwiyne, cont. writer: " Quithin ane week, ye tailes of ye vicktims stretchede so his heid did lye ypon ye groond. Mony war free with yere shilings to pluck ye taile lyke ane harp-string."

......Robert the Bruce announced in Court that he would have no truck with bestials and pederasts....this remark alienated the MacChlurain Chief, who then went over to King Edward II...the Clann made so many advances and offers to their new allies that Robert Bruce was heard to remark that he had never seen so many English caught with their cuisses down.......

.......in the Year 1374 was the marriage of Pompiere MacChluarain, age ten, eldest daughter of the 8th Great MacChluarain, and Huchekuche MacAnical. The union was anulled, with rejoicing, in Rome, six months later. James II, King, applauded when he heard the news, and remarked about the "depletion (trans. note: word obscure, poss. "depiliation") of these horrid persons."

(nb: The King's pleasure was short-lived, as Pompiere later married Swene MacSwine (Sweyn) and bare him fourteen offspring in two years)

.......Eiochaid "the Bloody" MacChluarain attempted union with a Scottish Wildcat......

.......in 1425, rumours of the Cows of Hind reached the Highlands, and the 8th Great MacChluarain sent his son on a pilgrimage for these Sacred Cows......

(circa 1460 CE).....Patrick Mor MacPbflth composes the most famous of the MacChluarain pipe tunes, "Lament for Bossy" on the death of his Aberdeen Angus mistress.....(nb: he didn't know what piobaireached meant.)

......I was born in a stye in East Outerness....I still remember the pleasant grunts of my wet nurse...they comfort me still....

1470 CE: Patrick Mor MacPbflth marries Swineferd, fourth daughter of the Great MacChluarain.

......in this Year of Grace 1488 was slain our monarch James III by the explosion of a gonne. It had been loaded by Puke MacChlurain, called "the Stupid," by all who knew him....

.....in this Year died Tween "the Thighs" MacChluarain, the first victim of the French Pox in Scotland.....the loss of my mother was devastating.....they say the rooster survived, but the donkey died of exhaustion....

......on the Dead Rolls was seen the Great Piper, Patrick Mhor MacPbflth. His sons will not follow his tradition, due to the inability of their hooves to finger the chanter..........

......in this Year of Sadness 1513 the Scots were defeated at Flodden. Men say it was because the MacChluarains camped too close on the English...."

(trans. note: here, in 1515, the ms. lapses into Vulgate gibberish, marred by what seem to be the imprint of hooves. The last of the scribbling is somewhat legible:)

"....as I am dying of my horrible condition, I can write no more. Nor will my son carry on my History, as his vocabulary is limited to bleats. ....the curse of the MacChlurains is upon me, and I will join my ancestors in eternal shame.....I am falling victim myself, eating grass and chewing cud...my hooves...."

POSTSCRIPTUM:

These fragments, although only a part of the Chronicle of Clann Chluarain, have been truly translated by the above named team of Medieval scholars. The Chairman of the team wishes to thank his colleagues and to especially thank the Archivist of the Locksley State Papers, the Curis Vaticana, and the Privy Attendant of Clan MacChluarain. We hope that this History, fragmented though it be, is a help to all.

SOME FURTHER NOTES:

There exist a number of odd marginal drawings with captions, possibly by Ludovic, reputed to be the most prehensile of the Chronicler's offspring. None of these marginalia can, with prudence or modesty, be reproduced here. Captions include: "The Chief Delight," "Happy Fingering," "Group Grope," and "Busy Hands - Busy Bodies." The team hopes the reader's imagination will not be carried too far.

It has been discovered that the Clann also lacks an hereditary Bard due to the fact that Eideard Ebhreid Ch'ortoun MacChluarain was put to death by angry Clansmen (without legitimate issue) for inventing the Loot of the Frumish pun.

The Lyon Register records refusing Arms to The MacChluarain on grounds of "gross impudence." Some enterprising herald wrote the blazon in the margent of the entry, viz: "Vaginal pink, a sheep's head affronty proper with protruding tongue and bulging eyes. Crest: A Lamb's tail erect proper. Motto: "Hey, ewe!"

-Ian Rannoch
-William of Llanloch
-Darthula MhicMhurich


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